A Duck Hunter's Plea: Dear Weathermen (and Weatherwomen)

I believe meteorologist is an accepted gender-neutral term, and because men and women equally render forecasts, often dictating my waterfowl strategies, I wish to show no preference.

You've done a fine job lately when predicting the weather. It has not rained in about two months, and you've called it with exceptional accuracy. However, as we move into the heart of duck season, I believe a repeat of previous seasons might necessitate a few gadgets that have proven beneficial in my novice weather-prediction attempts. Please find the enclosed items:

Weather vane: This thing was hard to come by. I had to climb up on the barn and pry it off with a claw hammer. You'll see it has one of those propeller things on the front, too. I believe you'll find this device easy to use. Whichever way the arrow is pointing, that's the direction the wind is blowing. If the wind is blowing hard, that little propeller thingy is going to turn pretty fast. Please take note and use this before you forecast calm winds from the east when it's really blowing 25 mph from the north.

Thermometer: I figured you had a window in your office, so this one has suction cups to attach it. I've found a thermometer is useful for providing accurate temperature readings, but please use Fahrenheit unless you are within 50 miles of Canada, because down here, we get confused (15 degrees Celsius is not cold). Now I know this isn't science — wait, it is science, so if you could get the temperature prediction for tomorrow within an over/under of 25 degrees, that would help me big time. You see, when you predict 40 degrees and it turns out to be 15, my duck holes freeze solid, and I can use extra sleep those days.

Weather rock: You might not realize it, but Native Americans were the first meteorologists in North America. I got this weather rock from an old Cherokee while visiting the Qualla Reservation in North Carolina. Many years ago, my family was on vacation, and while I exited an authentic Cherokee haberdashery with my own feather headdress, my father purchased a weather rock from a wise old man. Now, in the spirit of the season, I want to give it to you. The instructions are simple:

Dry rock: nice weather.

Wet rock: rain.

White rock: snowing.

Swinging rock: windy.

Can't see the rock: foggy.

Rock is gone: tornado.

If these implements fail to aid you in predicting the weather, I also sent along a dart board and roulette wheel. Good luck with your forecasting this year. Don't worry, either. Many people who are wrong most of the time are still successful. If the weather gig doesn't pan out, you'll always have a place on Wall Street or in the political arena.

Sincerely, James Buice, duck hunter.

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